


Deleted Scenes

by wendymr



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emails, M/M, Secondment, extras
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-26
Updated: 2014-03-26
Packaged: 2018-01-17 02:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1370953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendymr/pseuds/wendymr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all began when Lewis dug out a picture of himself in swimming shorts to send Hathaway...but it turned into so much more than that.  Fits in with chapters 7 and 8 of "Vanished Into Air"--you probably need to have read that story for this to make sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. More Emails

**Subject: A present for James  
** Attachment: me_in_swimming_shorts.jpg  
Robbie  


_Not quite the sort of swimming shorts I imagined you wearing, I'll admit...but thank you all the same._  
James  


**James,** **So you don't like it, then? Last time I take your bloody piss-taking seriously! Just for that, you can send me a photo of you on the beach.**  


_Dear Robbie,_ _I didn't say I didn't like it! I like it very much! Never pictured you as a Speedo sort of bloke. But I don't mind at all._ _Picture attached. And before you make any judgments, know that the water was cold that morning. James_

**James,** **Thanks for the photo. It's so small it could be any random bloke, though. I'll just have to remember how you looked with the sun and sea behind you when you were playing your guitar.** **Maybe we can go swimming together when I come to visit you. Can't promise I could still get into that Speedo, though.**

_Dear Robbie,_

_I know. I tend not to have many pictures of myself because...well, I'm generally the one wielding the camera. I have lots of pictures of the scenery down here. Not so many of me. Because really, I don't fancy spending an entire afternoon poring over pictures of my glorious, glorious face._

_If you really want a picture of me like that, I can ask someone to take one._

_Of course we can! Prepare yourself for crowds if we go during the day. There's a reason I went so early in the morning--tourism is a roaring trade here._

_That's all right. I'll take you with or without the Speedo._

_James_  


**James,**

**Never fear - I'll bring my camera when I come and I'll make sure to take plenty of photos of you. Might even let you take a couple of me, if you insist. Not sure I'll let you take me with the Speedo, though.**

**But I know I do want one of you playing your guitar. You look so intense when you play, completely focused on what you're doing, as if nothing else exists for you but your music. And then, suddenly, you realise that you're being watched, and you look up at me, and your smile... I thought I'd never forget that smile of yours, yet it's fading from me mind with every day you're away.**

**I hope you'll play for me when I visit. Which reminds me: you'll have to tell me what's the best website for plane tickets.**

**Robbie**  


_Dear Robbie,_

_Oh, I will definitely want photos of you. This is me, insisting._

_That's…that's lovely. I've been sitting here trying to think what to say but…that's just…that's lovely, Robbie. I'm a bit overawed that you see me that way. And if you want to see me smile, wait until you get here. I'll have reason to smile then._

_Of course I'll play for you. Any song you want._

_I'd try Hipmunk. Not that I'd imagine you'll have a lot of options, but they do a good job laying out how long the flights are and where you might have to change planes. And of course the price._

_James_  


**James, lad,**

**How can you not know I... Christ, how can I put this into words without sounding daft? James. You're the best thing that's happened to me since losing Val. In our first year working together, there were days when the only thing that got me out of bed was the thought of working with you. And, since I've got to know you better, yes, your smile is one of the things I... appreciate most about you. One of many, though. Remember that.**

**And I'll definitely be taking a photo of you smiling, so you'd better get in plenty of practice before I get there. And you'll be pleased to know that I'm practising my snoring, just for you.**

**Your friend,  
** Robbie.  


_Dear Robbie…dearest Robbie…_

_I didn't know. Can you believe I didn't know? I'm glad that I've…been so important to you. You've been important to me too. I don't know how I could've got through any of this without you. You were always there, and I never needed to ask, and even with everything that happened, you never decided you'd had enough. Without you, I might still be in Portobello. I might never have come back; I might never have remembered what there was to come back to. You rescued me. You were strong enough for both of us when I couldn't be strong for myself. There aren't enough words in the world to thank you for that._

_I'm limbering up my lips now. Was practicing showing my teeth but have inadvertently frightened away one of the desk staff, so that may have been ill-advised._

_I can't wait to hear your snoring._

_Yours,_  
James  


**James, lad,**

**I wish I had half your way with words, or your courage that helps you just say things like you did in your last email. I must have started this email to you at least a dozen times, and every time I've deleted everything. I'm trying to be honest, the way you've been, and each time it sounds more ridiculous and soap-opera-y.**

**All I can do is be myself; I'm just Robbie Lewis, plain-spoken Geordie bloke who failed his English O-Level. Never was much cop at poetry either. So I'll stick with what I know, and that's police work. You're a detective, James. Why do you think I did all that? Came after you, invited you into my home, helped you to get back on your feet? You know the answer - but if you're thinking anything like pity or gratitude or because as your boss I felt responsible for you, you're ignoring what I know you can see right in front of you.**

**I can't wait to see your smile, bonny lad.**

**Always yours,  
** Robbie  


_Dear Robbie,_

_You're doing just fine. I love your letters. I'll supply the poetry if you'll supply the you. That's all I want._

_It's so strange to hear you call me honest. I never used to number honesty among my cardinal virtues. I don't mean that I've gone around telling everyone I'm…well, yes. I have. I've gone around telling nearly everyone I'm something I'm not. For a long while, I did. Since…since what happened, though…I've tried very hard not to do that. To be honest with people and, most of all, to be honest with you. My first instinct is always to hide but I have tried and do try and will try not to hide from you. Because you've shown me over and over again I don't need to._

_I like you as you are. Never doubt that, Robbie. And…I think I do know why you did all those things. I think so. And thank you._

_I can't wait to see you. Moments like this, it's hard to be away._

_Yours,_  
James  


**James,**

**I'm glad you like my emails. It makes my day when I get one from you. I know it's daft, but the first thing I do when I get up is check my email, and it's the last thing I do at night. Haven't deleted a single one, either. If I can't see you, or speak to you, I can read your emails and imagine you.**

**If I'd been through what you have - and I know I don't know all of it, and some I've only guessed at - I'd find it hard to be honest sometimes, too. I hope you know now that it doesn't matter. None of it - who you are, where you're from, what you really sound like, whatever else - matters. I know who you are. You're James. And that's all I need to know. You can tell me anything about yourself you want to, and it won't make the slightest bit of difference to what you mean to me.**

**And I like you as you are too. I don't care what accent you're using, or how you stand or dress, or what you do for a living. You're just James, my bonny lad, and that's... Well, anyway. I'm rambling now, which is always a good sign that I need to go to bed.**

**Can't wait to see you too. I know this secondment's right for you, and it's doing you good, but times like this I can't help thinking why'd it have to be a year?**

**Miss you.  
** Robbie  


_Dear Robbie,_

_Of course I do. I imagine your voice saying what you've written when I read your emails to me. I'm…I'm so glad you're happy to get mine. I check my email often as I can just in case you've written to me too. That you keep what I write to you…well. It means a lot to me._

_I don't think you understand sometimes, Robbie, how you can just…say the perfect thing for the situation. You do it all the time and I'm constantly amazed by it. That you know me. That you know me and still want to know me…that I can tell you anything, that you want to hear anything…it's just. It's overwhelming sometimes. All I can say is thank you._

_I love it when you call me that. Have I said? Bonny lad. Your bonny lad. I want to be._

_I know. Right now I just want to get on the first plane I can and come see you._

_Miss you too,_  
James  


**  
Text message**

**You anywhere near North Front airport? Cause you might want to get yourself down there soon as.  
**  


_Text message_

_Robbie. Oh my God._

_I'll be right there._  


**Text message.**

**Drive carefully. I'll wait. Imagining your smile.**  


_Text message_

_I always do. Can't wait to hear your voice._  


**Text message**

**I can see you. You look - wonderful.**

**I'm standing right beside the Starbucks. Just look for me sign.**


	2. The Reunion

When James saw the sign (on which Lewis had written simply “BONNY LAD”), he broke into a run, and he had his arms wrapped tightly around Robbie before he knew what he was doing…possibly before Robbie knew what he was doing as well.

"You're here," he whispered. "I can't believe you're here."

Robbie's arms closed tightly around James too. His lad. Christ, it was good to see him. It'd been far, far too long. "Had to come. Emailing - even the phone calls, when we could manage them - it wasn't enough. Had to see you."

So he'd grovelled to Innocent for a long weekend off the call rota and booked a ticket, at a stupid price because it was such short notice. And he'd been a mass of nervous energy the whole flight, worrying that maybe he'd been too rash, that James wasn't really as anxious to see him as he'd said, or even that he had other arrangements for the weekend and wouldn't be around.

He shouldn't have doubted his lad. James was every bit as happy to see him as he was to see James. "James," he whispered, just because he could.  
"Robbie," James whispered back, snuggling into the hug. He'd missed Robbie, of course, but he hadn't known how badly until now, when the feeling of longing had just…gone away. Because Robbie was here. He was here, and they were holding each other, and James didn't want to be anywhere else, do anything else.

Tentatively, carefully, he pressed a kiss to Robbie's cheek. "I'm…I'm so happy to see you."

"Me too." The kiss was new, but it was... nice. More than nice. But, much as he wanted to keep holding James, and maybe even kiss him back, they couldn't stand around here all evening. There were things he thought they'd want to talk about that were better kept in private, anyway.

He tightened his arms around James once more, then released him. "Let's go, yeah?" But it felt... wrong... not to be touching the lad, and without even thinking about it he brought his hand up to rest against the small of James's back.

James began to tense when Robbie let go of him, but then there was a gentle hand at his back, and he relaxed again, instinctively. Safety. Robbie always meant safety. It was a good thing for a…for a friend to mean. He moved a bit closer to Robbie so they would be right beside each other as they walked. 'Yes, of course. I've…I've parked outside."

He couldn't stop looking at him, even as they approached his car. Robbie was here.

James kept taking his attention off the road to look at Robbie, to a point where Robbie had to warn him the lights had changed at one intersection. It was flattering, though. More than flattering. Coming here was definitely the right thing.

"Probably should've told you I was coming," he said as James pulled up outside a small terraced house. "I didn't really think. You must be busy."

"No, it's…I mean, you could've told me, but…it's good as a surprise too," James said, giving Robbie a warm smile. He parked and took the keys from the ignition, but just sat there for a minute, looking at Robbie. "And I would never be too busy for you. I promise."

James hesitated, then said shyly, "It's…a tiny bit messy. Inside." He'd never let himself collect a mess before. It wasn't dirty, of course--he couldn't have stood it if it had been--but there were books strewn about and piles of sheet music on flat surfaces. He'd always kept things tidy before…everything in its place, nothing out of place, nothing with the faintest trace of personality about it. Monastic, almost. In this, as in everything else, he was exploring what he liked. What he was like.

"Didn't come here to see your house... bonny lad," Robbie added, remembering how much James had said he liked Robbie calling him that. And he was immediately rewarded by another of those blinding smiles. God, he'd missed those. And, true to his word, James had given him several of them in the last half-hour.

He followed James inside, bickering a little over who would carry his holdall, but he barely got a chance to see the small interior because, as soon as the door closed behind him, James pulled him into another bear-hug. Not that Robbie had any intention of complaining. With a sheepish laugh, he hugged James back again, just enjoying the feel and smell and sheer James-ness of him again.

Until his stomach embarrassed him completely by rumbling noisily.

James pulled back with a laugh. "You're hungry," he said warmly. "I suppose it didn't occur to you to eat anything on the way, or once you got here?"

Robbie gave him a sheepish look that said it all.

James gave him an affectionate look in return. "You're in luck. I happen to be fully stocked and open for business. What would you like? A sandwich? Some soup? I made gazpacho the other night. There's still some left."

This felt…right. Cooking for Robbie again. Being together in the kitchen, just…being together at all.

"Don't care. Anything's fine." And it was. Just being here, and having James making a meal for him, was fantastic.

With another warm smile, James gave him directions to the bathroom and bedroom so he could wash and change, and by the time he came back down James had set out trays on the coffee-table: bowls of soup and sandwiches made with fresh, crusty bread. And, best of all, a couple of bottles of English bitter.

Their shoulders and elbows rubbed as they ate, and each touch was a reminder that this was real: he was here with James and they had three whole days to spend together.

When he was finished eating, James found himself, erm…leaning a bit against Robbie. It had been so long since they'd been together that now James found he couldn't take even the most casual of contact for granted. He could have it now. And he wanted it.

"How was your flight?" he asked.

"Dunno." Robbie shrugged, feeling his shoulder slide up and down James's arm. "Wasn't really paying attention." He glanced sideways and saw yet another smile from James, this one shyly hopeful. It made him want to say what he meant. "Couldn't really think of anything except seeing you."

James's smile widened, lighting up his entire face. He dipped his head sideways, letting it rest on Robbie's shoulder for a moment.

It was so tempting to put his arm around the lad's shoulders, to hold him close - but that felt... well, as if he'd be taking a step in another direction, one he wasn't sure was what James wanted or had even imagined. Better to remove the temptation, then. "Go on, then, lad. Play for me?"

James brightened at Robbie's request. "Of course!" He patted Robbie's leg once before standing and procuring his guitar from the corner. He was daily grateful that, even in the depths of his fugue state, he had understood how important his guitar was…had kept it. He opened the case, removing his guitar and carrying it back to the sofa, hunching forward over it before favouring Robbie with another warm smile. "Any requests?"

He could suggest several tunes, of course - but what he wanted most of all was to know what James would choose to play for him. So he shook his head as he turned to face James, and their knees brushed. "Play something you like. I told you - I love watching you when you're so intent on your music."

Again, that smile. If he could only bottle it and take it back to Oxford - which reminded him that tomorrow he was definitely going to take as many photos of James as he could. Smiling, laughing, looking away in that bashful way he had, talking and gesturing with his hands... every pose and expression that was so typical of the lad.

Music filled the room then, a beautiful instrumental version of a Seventies ballad that Robbie had on CD at home. It had been one of Val's favourites, but he didn't remember mentioning that to James. It was funny, wasn't it, how James seemed able to work out so many things about him - except what James meant to him.

This weekend, though, he was going to leave James in absolutely no doubt about how important he was to Robbie.


	3. That Night

James sent the email and closed his laptop, listening for a moment to the sound of Robbie snoring. The sound made him smile to himself; he hadn't realised just how much a part of his life Robbie's presence (and by extension, yes, even his snoring) had been until he'd come here. He'd managed, of course…but it was nice not to have to manage just now.

Robbie had got tired out before James, and James had directed him to the bedroom. Robbie had taken one look at the room, turned to face James, and had demanded indignantly, "And where will you sleep?"

"On the floor," James had said. "Give me a pillow and a blanket and I don't need anything else."

Robbie had given him a suspicious look, but had reluctantly acquiesced after a few more assertions by James that this was perfectly fine.

James trudged carefully upstairs, trying not to make too much noise on the way. He procured a blanket and pillow from the airing cupboard, turning out the hall light before opening the door to the bedroom. The snoring had, for the moment, stopped.

The creak of a door opening woke him. It was dark, but he could just about see James's shadow as he moved silently into the bedroom. 

He hadn't meant to fall asleep before the lad came up. He'd meant to have it out with him about sleeping on the floor - ridiculous idea. Though James had pointed out that Robbie'd given up his own bed to him for months. Maybe it was a fair exchange, but still.

He could hear the soft sounds of bedding being laid on the floor, and that decided him. "Don't be so daft, lad. Plenty of room up here, an' I don't bite."

James looked up with a start when Robbie began speaking, and an involuntary smile curved across his face when Robbie's first words to him were, "Don't be so daft." But then…

James swallowed hard. This was…this was unexpected. He didn't know how to interpret what Robbie was offering. There were some blokes would offer to share a sleeping bag as sort of a Boy Scout camping gesture. But was Robbie one of those? And…if he wasn't, was he offering what James wanted him to be offering? They had fallen asleep together before…of course they had. James had fallen asleep sitting up with his arms wrapped around Robbie. Surely…surely this was much the same?

But it didn't feel the same. It felt like much more than that. James had just told Robbie that he loved him, but Robbie wouldn't know it until he was back in England…and it was the thought of Robbie being away, of James being unable to show his affection until he returned to England, that made the decision for James.

"If you mean it," James whispered hesitantly, "I…I'd like to." _Please let this mean as much to him as it does to me._

Robbie felt the bed dip as James settled himself on the other side. It made sense, this. He'd felt bad that he was taking the only decent sleeping place in this tiny house - the sofa was far too short for either of them, and there wasn't a lot of floor-space downstairs, not that that would've been any better than James sleeping on the floor in here.

For a while, the only sound was of both their breathing. James was on one side of the bed and he on the other, and Robbie realised that he'd expected James to move closer - but why had he assumed that? Just because it was what he wanted? Sharing a bed with Val had meant snuggling and intimacy, but why should that be the same with James? They weren't like that, were they? And just because he was feeling a bit... clingy... where his lovely lad was concerned, that didn't mean James felt the same way.

Or did it? James had been much more touchy-feely ever since Portobello. He wasn't the same self-contained, outwardly confident bloke he used to be, and he did seem to like touching and hugging Robbie. And the way he'd said _If you mean it..._

"C'mere," he said, stretching out an arm. James moved closer, and moments later they were snuggled comfortably together, as if they'd always slept this way. 

"'S nice," James murmured.

"Yeah." Without thinking, Robbie pressed a kiss to James's head. "Sleep well, bonny lad."

James wondered if Robbie knew what sorts of mental associations James had with Robbie. Warmth to start with…measurable physical warmth, yes, but also emotional warmth. Robbie wasn't the sort who shouted his personal business all round the nick, but he was a genuinely warm man…open and kind, always working to do the right thing. So Robbie meant warmth to James. And safety. After what had happened, before he'd felt safe anywhere, in any physical location, James had felt safe with Robbie nearby. Robbie was respite from the cold, from solitude, even from fear sometimes.

When he felt Robbie's lips brush his head, James's breath caught, and at the affectionate tone in Robbie's voice, he nestled closer, needing more warmth, more care, and wanting to provide it as well. And unaccountably, he found himself thinking of a bargain he hadn't thought to make in years.

"I'll be so good," he whispered drowsily, "if you'll only let me keep you."


	4. Next Morning

It felt so good to wake up with someone in his arms again, someone holding him as warmly as he was holding that someone. And he'd slept so well, too; better than he had in months.

If he'd only known, all those weeks James was staying at his flat, how nice this would be, he'd have suggested it long ago. Well, maybe. After all, James had needed time and space and reassurance, and a suggestion to share a bed might have sent the wrong message about Robbie's expectations. Now, though, James would understand, wouldn't he? That it would just be about sleeping, unless they both wanted more.

Not that James would - why would he, an attractive young lad like him? All the same, there was what he'd said last night, which had worried at Robbie for some time before he'd fallen asleep. James probably thought he hadn't heard the whisper, but he had. How, though, after all they'd been through, after all he'd said in his emails, could James possibly not _know_ what he meant to Robbie? That Robbie would keep him for the rest of his life if he could, and regardless that he'd be there in any way James wanted him for however long he wanted him?

Maybe he needed to start showing James in other ways.

The lanky body in his arms stirred. "Morning."

"Morning, lad." Robbie ruffled James's hair, a bit longer than it used to be. "Was thinking," he added. "Dunno what your plans are for coming back to Oxford, but we got on pretty well those few weeks you stayed with me. Thought, if you wanted, maybe I could look out for a bigger flat and when you get back you could move in with me?"

James smiled as Robbie ruffled his hair, making a sound between a hum and a laugh. Granted, he was still a bit sleepy, a bit sluggish, but he couldn't remember Robbie being so…so…openly affectionate before. Wanting to hold him as they slept, for instance, or rumpling his hair when they woke up together in the morning. James nuzzled his cheek against Robbie's shoulder, soaking in the affection, not wanting to miss or forget or ignore one bit of it. 

Warm. He was so warm.

When Robbie made his suggestion, though, James could feel his eyes widen. He looked at Robbie, trying to analyse that look in his eyes…and there was nothing but sincerity there. James pressed a hand to Robbie's cheek, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

"Really?" he whispered.

"Course. If you want, that is. If you've not got used to having your independence again by then." It was the right thing to say. Good. 

"I want." Not that James needed to say the words. His smile, and the way he'd just touched Robbie's face, said it all.

Without conscious effort, Robbie's hand slid from the side of James's head to cover James's hand where it still rested on Robbie's face. His fingers curled a little around James's palm. "I'll start looking when I get back. Now I know how to email photos, I can send you pictures of anything I like the look of."

Two bedrooms, definitely - although if James wanted them to share a room Robbie would be fine with that. A large kitchen, since James liked to cook. Plenty of space for bookshelves in the living-room, as well as somewhere James could put his guitar. And then, before James came home, Robbie'd finally be able to unpack James's books that he'd rescued from the antiquarian bookshop from the boxes in his hall cupboard, and put them on the shelves.

He'd considered looking in the Oxfam shop for any of James's suits that might still be there, but had decided against it; those suits had belonged to the old James, and the new James would want to find his own style, instead of the style he'd thought he should adopt.

Good. So that was sorted. Course, the only fly in the ointment might be if Innocent reassigned James to his team - but he'd cross that bridge if and when he came to it.

James hummed softly as Robbie's fingers curled round his hand. This was…so easy. Touch had never been easy…it had always been weighted with do-you-want-this and no-i-don't, with will-he-think-i'm-strange and will-he-never-speak-to-me-again. He smiled. "I'll be curious to see what you find. A place for us…" And just saying it aloud, phrasing it that way, took his breath away. A place for them, the two of them, together. Something permanent. Something that would stay.

He should offer to make Robbie breakfast. He knew that. Being a good host and all. But he found he didn't want to get up, didn't want to leave this embrace, this bed, this moment. He curled up a bit, resting his head on Robbie's shoulder. "Thank you."

"Don't be daft," Robbie huffed, feeling a little self-conscious. "I should be thankin' you. Told you, it's been hard adjusting to being alone. Not that I'd shack up with just anyone, mind. Wouldn't want you thinking that. There's not many people would put up with me idiosyncrasies."

He deliberately kept that last bit light, teasing. It wasn't just that this intimacy, with him holding James's hand and James tucked into him so closely they'd barely get a pin between them, was new; it was more than that. Had James ever experienced this kind of closeness with anyone before? Had he ever felt genuinely _loved_ before - ever, even while growing up? What about security, permanence? Bloody hell, what sort of parents had the lad had? Instinctively, he felt that it wouldn't take much to tip James over into the kind of emotional state he knew the lad was desperately trying to move past.

So he squeezed James's hand and released it, then ruffled the bloke's hair again before sliding towards the edge of the bed. "Need the loo - and me stomach's starting to protest that it needs breakfast. You mentioned something about a cafe with a great view of the sea? Play your cards right, I might even bring me Speedos."

James felt warmed all through by Robbie's words. And of course Robbie knew that he needed to hear not just that James stops him being alone, but that it's James specifically that Robbie likes to have with him, not just anyone else who's willing to keep him company. _He knows so much about me sometimes. So many things I've never told him._ It made James feel vulnerable, but…but he wasn't afraid to be, mostly. Not with Robbie.

He needed to say something, needed to let Robbie know what he was thinking about, needed to let him know…something. Once he knew what to say, he ought to say it, and he ought to say it now, before it was too late and Robbie had gone again. But then Robbie was ruffling his hair and moving out of bed, and it was all James could do not to protest and move closer and try to make Robbie stay. But he didn't. He nodded. Breakfast, yes, of course.

He smiled at the mention of the cafe. "It's a lovely view. You'll love it. And if you want to go beachward, I can pack a rucksack with a few things…sunscreen and our swimming shorts and such."

An hour later, they were eating breakfast outdoors at a cafe overlooking Catalan Bay, which James had told him was the second-largest beach on the peninsula. It was also closest to James's house, though he was pretty sure that had it been further away James would still have brought him here. This was a good choice, though: close enough to walk rather than bringing the car, and since it was a lovely, sunny day it would've been a shame to drive.

This new urge to touch James all the time still hadn't worn off. It was just as well that his friend seemed to feel it as well - certainly, James had liked the snuggling in bed. On the way here, Robbie'd had to stop himself from reaching out to take James's hand, and that was something he'd only done with Val some of the time. In the end, he'd contented himself with a hand at James's back some of the time, and letting their shoulders and arms brush the rest of the time.

Now, sitting across from James at the table, he was just enjoying the way his bonny lad's face lit up as he told Robbie about what he'd been doing since he arrived, the people he was working with, and what he'd learned. James was wearing sunglasses, which meant he couldn't see the bloke's eyes, but his animated expression and the smile that never left his lips told Robbie enough to know that James was happy, truly happy, probably for the first time since they'd known each other.

Which, abruptly, made a frightening thought enter his head. "You really seem to like it here, man. You don't think you'd want to stay, do you?"

James had just finished telling a funny story about the desk sergeant at the nick here when out of the blue, Robbie said…that. You don't think you'd want to stay.

"I…no. It's only a year," James said, a bit bewildered by the question. He'd thought he was on solid ground, but he could suddenly feel it shift beneath him. "Even if I wanted to, I couldn't…and anyway, I don't want to, I…" What was this about? Where had this come from? Did…did Robbie want him to stay away? He'd thought…ever since Robbie had got here…that…but was he wrong?

He took a deep breath. "If you're having second thoughts about…about me moving in with you…I understand."

"What? Bloody hell, man, whatever gave you that idea?"

The look on James's face made it perfectly clear that he'd put his foot in it right as far as it could go. Damn. All he'd been doing was trying to make sure his lad knew that, if he needed to spread his wings, he could. He didn't need to think he had any obligation to Robbie, any compulsion to come back to Oxford just because he'd originally planned to.

Christ, someone - or more than one person - really messed James up badly. Had anyone ever kept their word to him before? 

Before James could answer - and the lad seemed to be struggling for words - Robbie threw some cash on the table and stood, resting a hand on James's shoulder. "Come on, bonny lad. Show me this beach."

His hand still on his lad's shoulder, they walked together along the road, and then through a narrow pathway to the beach. It was still early in the day, and early in the season, so it wasn't all that busy. 

He gestured to the sea wall, and the two of them sat side by side. Robbie slid closer until they were touching from hip to shoulder, and then he looped his arm around James's shoulders. "Listen to me. I'm not having second thoughts. I want you to move in with me. There's nothing I'd like better. But, most of all, I want you to be happy - _whatever_ that means. Okay? So you tell me what you want, an' that's what we'll do. An' if you did want to stay here, well, maybe I'd just have to ask Innocent for a secondment too."

This, James thought, this was the real terror of being vulnerable. Not so much the vulnerability itself, but what could happen when you showed it. The possibility of opening yourself to someone and having him change his mind. Decide you weren't worth it. Not that he blamed Lewis, if that was what Lewis was doing. How could he blame anyone for doing the same thing he had done to Will that summer they were fourteen? Penance. All pain was penance, and James had a lot to atone for.

But then Robbie's hand rested on James's shoulder, and James was doubly confused, because…because he didn't understand this. He didn't know what this was. This was not a code he could read, not a secret he could uncover. He didn't have the experience. He just knew he didn't want Robbie to go away from him…and there were more ways of going away than just the physical ones.

When Robbie's arm looped round his shoulders, James instinctively leaned into the embrace. Maybe Robbie didn't want that, but he did. He needed it right now. "I wouldn't be happy without you. If you don't know that…" James shook his head. Then he looked at Robbie, startled. "You would…do that? You would leave Oxford, leave…everything…because I…because I was here?"

The words _Course I would, and you should know that by now_ were on the tip of his tongue, but he bit them back. That was the whole point: maybe someone else in this situation would know, but James didn't. And he didn't, not because he was stupid or blind or anything like that, but because he'd been let down far too many times in the past. Including by Robbie himself, that awful afternoon in New College Lane.

On James's lap, his hands twitched and twisted. Robbie, acting on instinct again, reached out to cover James's hands with his own, gripping tightly.

Instead of what he could have said, he said softly, leaning his head against James's, "Remember I told you that you're the best thing to happen to me since Val? You don't let go of something like that easily." James's head jerked around to stare at him, eyes wide behind the sunglasses, and suddenly their faces were very close. 

"Yes, I mean it: if you wanted to stay here, I'd move to be with you. What's it that woman says in the Bible - _whither thou goest, I will go_? Yeah. You movin' here for your secondment showed me that. If you need to hear it, I'm not just sayin' that you've got a place with me for as long as you want it. I want to be with you - it's as simple as that. I've missed you more than I ever thought I could miss anyone ever again."

Slowly, as James continued to watch him with disbelief that was slowly turning into incredulous acceptance, Robbie moved his hand from James's shoulder to the side of his face - and then, tentatively and with a lump in his throat, leaned closer and brushed his lips very lightly across his bonny lad's. 

And that, he thought as he drew back, was either the biggest mistake he'd made yet - or the best thing he could have done.

James made an involuntary soft sound when Robbie covered his hands with his own, leaning just…just that much more against Robbie. 

His mind didn't need much help being shunted onto tracks involving The Worst Possible Scenario. He was already there with Robbie…Robbie didn't want him, Robbie was having second thoughts, Robbie thought James should stay far away…but then, when Robbie said those things…he would follow him, and…and the Bible ( _Ruth to Naomi_ , he thought but didn't say), and…and all this felt like…like what James had thought it was, had hoped it was…

…and then Robbie kissed him, and the world stopped. No. It didn't stop. It wasn't even there. All there was was the feel of Robbie's lips against his, and before he knew what he was doing, he had his forehead leaning against Robbie's and his hand cupping Robbie's cheek again.

"Robbie," he whispered. "I need you to understand something. Home…for me…isn't a place. It's _you_."

And he leaned in, careful, shy, and pressed a kiss of his own to Robbie's lips.

How could his heart be both breaking and bursting at the same time? 

Breaking for James, for his lovely bonny lad who'd never known security, let alone love, who couldn't trust that Robbie would be there for him regardless because his past had taught him that he'd be let down over and over. And bursting because he never quite dared to hope that James would want _this_ , though it was what he'd wanted for a while now - since he said goodbye to his lad at the airport.

"Then we've both always got a home, love," he said softly, his voice cracking on the words. "Because mine's with you."

And, because he had to, because he needed more than just a brief touch, he kissed James again, deeper and lingering this time, and feeling his heart swell even more as James pressed closer, kissing him back and making tiny whimpers and murmurs against Robbie's mouth.

Christ, it was going to be impossible to leave here on Monday. But they only had another eight months to go, and surely between them they could manage to get together every couple of months until then? Bloody hell, if he had to he'd take a few months' leave of absence - especially if that was what it would take to reassure James that he meant this, meant everything he'd just promised in word and deed.

They'd work it out, he'd make sure of it. He wrapped his arms tighter around James and kissed him again.

Love. That was what James fastened on first. _Robbie called me love ___. And…and he said his home was with James. He said that. James hadn't imagined it. James was…James was home for somebody. Someone needed him. Loved him. Yes, oh, yes, please.

He clung tightly to Robbie, returning his kiss with all the fervour he had, snuggling close as Robbie held him tighter. And…maybe this was a good time. Maybe this was the time. James closed his eyes and took a breath and took a metaphorical leap. 

"I love you," he whispered. "Robbie, I love you." 

**Author's Note:**

> wendymr writes:
> 
> I want to thank Paperscribe very much indeed for letting me play in her sandbox! Writing this was a lot of fun, and she was an excellent sport for going along with it.
> 
> For readers: if any POV shifts appear awkward, that's an unfortunate consequence of the way this was written: alternate comments on LJ, with her writing James and me writing Robbie, and responding to each other. I hope you can figure out all the shifts, but if any are unclear please let us know :)


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